This is the story of my wonderful Christmas in August. It began inauspiciously when I saw Sally Rich on August 2nd. She was the CEO of Chasebook, the multi-billion dollar website for stalkers. She had come back to Burgville for her twentieth high school reunion. She had dragged her fiancé, Osborne Chatworth the 3rd with her. Yes, dragged. His clothes were torn from being pulled on his stomach across the road. Their upcoming nuptials were to take place during the Christmas celebration, which like most towns in this unnamed state, take place in August.
Despite her time away from Burgville and her homes in London, San Francisco, Los Angeles and Cucamonga, she still had warm feelings for the place where she grew up. We had gone to Bonnie & Clyde High and dated at the local soda shop, Stepson’s, and the New Wave Cinema. At one time I imagined a life together, me working at the local Fuel Stop and her at Burgville Library, but she was too ambitious to stick around.
The location of their upcoming nuptials did not sit well with Mr. Chatworth. As he put it “I wouldn’t wipe my $1500 shoes on the backsides of these insufferable rubes in this no Starbucks town”. As previously mentioned, he was dragged here. Sally told me that despite some minor misgivings and his lack of any male parts, she still wanted to marry her Chasebook and his also multi-billion dollar Sniff It, the pet matching site.
My good fortune was that Sally and I got to spend a lot of time together before the wedding. Osborne spent a lot of time getting his ears flossed; flag acrylic nails, and blond highlight hair extensions. We mooned over the teenage fun that we had and the perversions that we practiced. I can’t say any more because this is PG. If you want the good stuff, watch the Pornstop version.
Sally was still determined to marry him, until we went bowling as we did during high school. She broke down and told me “I don’t want chauffeurs, fifty million dollar estates with hot and cold running staff. Nor do I want to be Empress Of The World. I want stinky babies, a one bath crap shack, and you, my beloved runt.”
It came to pass that we had a modest wedding here in Burgville on the 25th of August, our Christmas. My cat Marx-Hegel, dressed as Santa, was best animal for the wedding and we served Carl’s Western Bacon Cheeseburgers and bottled McMenamins Terminator Stout at the reception. The entertainment was Brenda Lee’s “Rocking Around The Christmas Tree” played on repeat for five hours.
Presents were exchanged and we toasted each other with pork nog.
Nothing beats being a Hallmark movie home town boy.
Appears in The Daily Drunk, Short Humour and Writer’s Egg under a different names
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