Squirrelkissing

A Squirrel Kissing Metamorphoses by

Grabbing a latte at Waverley Station on Christmas Eve, I embraced myself for a week of family hell. Straining half a smile at a weary barista at Costa, I uttered “Merry Christmas?” laced with even more venom than an irate King Cobra.

Chuckling, she remarked, “Fancy getting let into a secret?”

Anything is better than this usual crap,” I smirked.

Like a fly trapped in a web, I kept following her mesmerised. Stepping into an eerie backyard, five oddly inquisitive squirrels stared down at us freakishly, all whilst calmly chewing their nuts. They made killer clowns look like Disney Princes. Staring into my eyes, the barista edged up against me and untied my belt.

Remembered the nuts?” I joked.

No, but I know how to make yours hard,” she toyed as my trousers slipped down.

We kissed passionately. However, opening my eyes in ecstasy, I saw that a massive squirrel had its lips fixed on mine. Squirming, I realised that I too was a squirrel, crumpled up under my clothes.

What the hell?” I tried to scream, as I attempted to untangle my legs from hers. Giggling, she tickled me with her bushy tail. Trying to escape we rolled around on top of each other, but couldn’t find an opening.

Finally breaking free, she pushed her tail under the clothes for me to grasp onto with my mouth. Exhausted, I lost consciousness as I was tugged out. Waking up in cold sweats outside the Wetherspoon pub, a policewoman was kneeling beside me wiping saliva off her cheek. She looked disgusted and grimaced, “you must have had one hell of a heavy night to do that.”

I can’t remember anything,” I slurred.

Not surprised, every year you go nuts on Christmas Eve,” she sneered.

 

 


 

 

Jonathan is a Flash Fiction writer from Solihull, UK. He has had pieces published in the Secret Attic Anthologies, the Bombfire Literacy Magazine, Friday Flash Fiction and an upcoming issue of Corner Bar Magazine. Jonathan was inspired to get into creative writing during lockdown. He especially enjoys writing Funny Fiction and Fantasy Fiction that stretches the imagination and pushes boundaries. Jonathan follows Solihull Moors FC, the soon to be dominant force in English Football.

Twitter @JonTea22

 

Photo by Vincent van Zalinge on Unsplash

 

 

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