“Hey, It’s Me, The Letter L” by Daniel Weitzman
Hey, it’s me, the letter L, just hanging between ‘K’ and ‘M,’ wondering if I’ll ever get as much attention as they do. I mean, what a maddening ride, seeing ‘K’ repeatedly plucked for ‘K-pop,’ ‘kangaroo’ and ‘kombucha’ and ‘M’ always coming and going in the service of ‘MOMA,’ ‘moose’ and ‘meatballs.’ What can I offer? ‘LCD lights,’ ‘lemming’ and ‘liverwurst.’
Honestly, it’s enough to give me an inferiority complex – as if I needed more incentive, already mocked for being just a straight vertical line (okay, two vertical lines when I’m Capped, but that’s still not exactly eye-candy). Even in cursive I’m cursed, the little squiggle that couldn’t. And how many times have I been mistaken for the uppercase letter I or the number 1? The indignity just never ends …
Put me with a word like ‘loquacious,’ and I couldn’t feel smaller. Compared to all those handy-dandy vowels and that imperial ‘q’ – with its curves and curls – and who’s going to notice me? You can put lipstick on a pig, but sequins and glitter aren’t exactly in my wheelhouse.
To be straight with you, a letter can only take so much. So, I’ve decided to do something about my stature – or lack of it. I’m running away from the alphabet.
Let’s see if distance makes the heart grow fonder, if ‘…you don’t know what you’ve got ‘til it’s gone.’ All I know is that ‘K’ and ‘M’ are going to have to close the gap – which isn’t going to make either of them happy, I’ve always been their DMZ, the buffer between two pretty headstrong letters. Whatever, not my problem.
Whose problem is it? Let me preview:
Alphabet soup fans, Scrabble players, Eyechart onlookers. And that’s just the tip of the L-less iceberg. Lions, Laughter and Literature, you’ve been warned. The sign Libra – soon to be crowned, _ibra. That’s right, wherever I used to be, there’s gonna be a big, fat blank. Try fighting for _ife and _iberty! Who turned out the _ights? Better _uck next time, you L ignorers.
Desperate times call for desperate measure, you feel me? No, of course you don’t; you fee_ me. And it’ll stay that way until you pay proper attention to me. Sorry in advance for the inconvenience, but I didn’t create this problem. I get that we weren’t about to stick with Hieroglyphics, but it would’ve been nice to move towards a more democratic language, one where all letters are equally important. But no, we’ve adopted an oligarchy of an alphabet; don’t even get me started on vowel dominance. I’m okay being a consonant, I’d just like to be a more distinguished one. I’ve done my best to be ‘K’ and ‘M’ adjacent, it’s my turn to shine.
Until then, I’m officially MIA. Don’t even think about trying to find me. For once, my ability to go unnoticed will reward me well, hidden in plain sight.
That’s it for now, we’ll see about _ater.
_ove, L
Daniel Weitzman is co-author of MG book, ‘Odd Gods’ (HarperCollins). His children’s story ‘WHOOOSH’ was featured in the anthology ‘My Dad’s a Punk’ (KIngfisher). Other short stories published include ‘The Only American’ (Every Day Fiction), ‘The Banana Whisperer’ and ‘Bitter Half’ (The Word’s Faire) and ‘The King of Cliches’ (The RavensPerch). Daniel writes what he knows – and what he doesn’t.
IG: ordinaryman7276
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