at 9:51 pm, the official twitter account for cbs news tweets that a giant murder hornet has been captured in washington and the state has less than two months to find and destroy the rest of the species before mating season begins.
immediately, you and I wonder if a straight-to-netflix movie directed by michael bay would ever be made about this scenario. we salivate at the possibility of fiery cgi explosions lighting up ipad screens across the world, as brad pitt hunts down the queen hornet on the back of a horse with a bazooka, blowing up said hornet seconds before it destroys the golden gate bridge. forever indebted to the acting legend for saving their citizens from a horrible disaster, the cisco mayor gives the keys to the city to pitt as a way to show their gratitude.
it seems unlikely that any studio would give bay funding for that sorta project, but crazier things have happened before, like in 1374 when a mysterious yet contagious plague known as st vitus’s dance ravished the coast of italy and people couldn’t stop dancing until they collapsed from utter exhaustion, sometimes even dying.
i don’t mean to sound cocky or anything but if that ever happened today i think me and you would be able to survive it without any problem, especially after last summer when we bought a used ps2, complete with a copy of ddr and a mad catz dance mat off some rando on the facebook marketplace. we sunk so many hours into that game that i still have nightmares just thinking about that one song, paranoia survivor max: how the triple left right up down combos came flying at us faster than we could keep up even on easy mode.
on the plus side: at least our calves got jacked af. man, those were the days, huh? those were the days…hashtag: take us back.