Perils of Vampire hunting

The Perils of Vampire Hunting in Limerick, Ireland by

The vampire hunter and his apprentice face the city’s last vampire. It’s an amalgamation of the fevered daydreams of innumerable teenagers: tall, brooding, chiselled cheekbones, soulful eyes. Those eyes are an affront, for it has no soul. Only a thirst that can never be slaked.

So, it must be staked.

The hunters have trapped it in an abandoned warehouse, all cobwebs and moaning girders. The apprentice holds his crucifix before him like Hamlet holds his sword towards the King’s ghost. His master extracts a tiny plastic statue of the Virgin, filled with holy water brought from the shrine at Lourdes.

‘Drag your carcass back to hell!’ snarls the hunter, with righteous fury, as he uncaps the bottle. The vampire hisses, throwing up its arms in a futile effort to repel the sulphurous agony of the blessed water.

The hunter throws a liberal dose of water over the vampire, awaits the stink of scorched flesh, the cries of pain.

Yet nothing happens, except the vampire’s stylish dark suit gets rather wet. The hunter hurls more water. It hits the target with a splat. The tang of alcohol perfumes the dusty air.

The vampire licks its lips, stained crimson by centuries of blood-drinking.

‘Tastes like vodka,’ it says. ‘Ugh, how vile.’

‘Oh shite,’ says the apprentice, flushing temptingly. ‘That must be my bottle. It had vodka in it.’

‘Huh?’ asks his master, horribly conscious of the vampire’s glower.

‘From the last time I went clubbing,’ the apprentice witters. ‘The bouncers don’t check the bottles of holy water. You can smuggle loads of vodka in that way!’

The vampire unfurls itself from its corner, fangs protruding like walrus tusks.

‘Ah, shite,’ exclaims the hunter. ‘Run for it!’

 

 


 

Carys Crossen has been writing stories since she was nine years old and shows no signs of stopping. Her fiction has been published online and in print, and her monograph ‘The Nature of the Beast’ is published by UWP. She lives in Manchester UK with her husband and their beautiful, contrary cat.

@AcademicWannabe

 

Photo by Jodie Walton on Unsplash

 

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