Open Season For Orbiting Fridges by Neil K. Henderson
*****When a run-of-the-mill UFO was shot down over North America, baffled authorities found the ‘object’ to comprise a refrigerator attached to a gas balloon. Even more confusing was the stock of food inside, kept fresh by the cold of the upper air.
*****“Someone was in a hurry to get rid of that fridge,” said Spandal Redcliffe of the Special Aerial Target Squad. “The cooler must have been full of HCFCs. They’re really cracking down these days, and local services won’t take them away.”
*****Once the story made global news people were firing fridges into the air faster than leaking hydrochlorofluorocarbons. Sheer anger seemed to propel them upwards, without the need of balloons. Even sizeable deep-freezes were lobbed up. The strange thing was how they managed to stay aloft.
*****“They are being held in low orbit by antimagnetic forces,” white-goods-in-space boffin Ornow Bavick explained. “The Earth’s magnetic field is balancing the inner workings of the fridges to overcome the effects of gravity. The higher the magnetism, the more powerful the lift. Hence the freezers being covered with fridge magnets.”
*****Even so, not everyone is strong enough to propel their appliances themselves. Some communities have banded together to build ballista-style catapults for launching the goods into orbit. In remote areas, a more personal touch is needed. Dumfrie McPunter, ex-pat Scottish caber tosser, is employed throughout Canada to hurl fridges from isolated homesteads.
*****“I see it as a service,” he says. “And it’s great training for the Highland games.”
*****Given the danger to the ozone layer, many authorities have declared ‘open season’ on old fridges, encouraging citizens to take action. When shot down over public buildings fish fingers, pork chops and turkey nuggets have been known to fall out, providing an added incentive. Cynics say they have been planted by the government.
*****“In years to come,” declared a defence official, “there will be totem poles – and even mighty cathedrals – made from shot-down orbiting fridges, raised to commemorate their eradication.”
*****Meanwhile, in Holland, prayers are being said for an unknown little person shot while inside a flying fridge. Dwarf hurling in fridges is still a legal pastime in the Netherlands, and organisers are asking for a halt in shooting fridges till the dwarf hurling season is over.
NEIL K. HENDERSON was born in 1956 in Glasgow, Scotland. He is the son of artist and mountaineer Drummond Henderson (1900 – 1961) and maternal grandson of artist and illustrator Harry Keir (hence the middle K. in his name). Neil’s idiosyncratically humorous works of bizarre imagination have been appearing in magazines of all descriptions in the UK, USA, Canada, Australia, India and Cyprus since 1987. He has also written several novels, as well as comedy TV and radio scripts. He is currently writing flash fiction. Neil K. Henderson attributes his success to the practice of always carrying about his person a small piece of cheese attached to a length of string. This causes many people to ask: “Success? What success?”
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Read more by Neil K. Henderson at Tigershark ezine, The Supplement and www.flashfictionnorth.com
Image – FFF – via pixabay
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This is so much fun!
Thanks for this! Sorry to take so long replying, but I hadn’t checked the website for a while. I’d just about given up expecting feedback, so yours is much appreciated.
Best wishes,
Neil.